


Cold Feet

by vega_voices



Series: Come Rain, Come Shine [41]
Category: Murphy Brown (TV)
Genre: F/M, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 14:43:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16410419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vega_voices/pseuds/vega_voices
Summary: It was the third time they’d moved the wedding.





	Cold Feet

**Title:** Cold Feet  
**Author:** vegawriters  
**Fandom:** Murphy Brown  
**Series:** Come Rain, Come Shine  
**Pairing:** Murphy Brown/Peter Hunt  
**Rating:** T  
**Timeframe:** That messy area between _FYI of the Hurricane_ and _Make Room for Daddy_ (season 7)  
**A/N:** This is where canon completely gets chewed up and spit out. Where I tack my 99 grievances to the door. There was legit no reason for Peter and Murphy to split up. So. I’m fixing it. With … a little bit of pain along the way.  
**Disclaimer:** Blah blah. Diane and WB own this. I’m just fixing it. It’s like when you take your mom’s recipe for something and add the right ingredients. Yeah, that’s what we’re doing here. Don’t worry. I don’t even post about this on my patreon page.

 **Summary:** _It was the third time they’d moved the wedding._

Peter raced through the front door, trying to keep a cool head in case Murphy wasn’t the first person he saw. Or she wasn’t alone. Avery didn’t know. They’d been planning to tell him about the baby after the wedding. Now, there wasn’t any point. But Peter had to breathe. He couldn’t scare his son, who was currently playing in the living room with Reena.

“Peter!” He cried, running over, all grins and excitement. Since calling him Daddy for the first time, Avery had gone back and forth on how he was referenced and Peter was just fine with all of it.

Peter picked him up and cradled him close, kissing his temple. He’d just had a bath and smelled fresh and clean and Peter allowed himself the moment to hold him. “Hey buddy.” Peter hugged him a bit tighter. “Is your mom here?” He’d seen the porsche outside but that didn’t mean she was home.

“She’s in bed. She’s sick.”

Peter paled and met Reena’s eyes. Reena got up and moved over to take Avery. “Let’s let your dad go talk to your mom and see how she feels. He’ll be back down soon.”

“Okay.” Avery grinned and went back to his toys.

Reena took a breath. “She’s okay, physically. At least, that’s what it seems. I mean, she’s been working nonstop and she’s still talking wedding plans.”

“She’s in bed,” Peter argued. “Avery said she was sick.”

Reena shrugged. “She came home from the office today and just went to bed.” Reena glanced to the stairs. “She didn’t look well at all. I suspect this is all catching up to her.”

Peter dashed up the stairs, trying to breathe. Trying not to focus on the fact that the network had him on a plane to Mexico in two days. Of course they did. Anna wasn’t listening, and the show needed him out there and all he could hear was Murphy’s tear-choked voice over the static on the phone line. “I lost the baby …” She’d been alone. She’d been alone. He promised he would be there and she’d been alone and now he was home just long enough to hug her and tell her it would be okay when he honestly wasn’t sure it would.

God. Something had to change. At least temporarily.

She was in the window seat, her hair up in a bun, the wedding invitations on her lap. When he closed the door behind him and met her eyes, his tears started flowing. She was so pale, so blank. Already so distant from him. He raced over and wrapped her in his arms.

“Murphy …” she didn’t say anything, but he felt her fingers tighten in his shirt. She was quivering and he wanted to tell her it was okay to cry, but what good would that do. Instead he just buried his face in her neck and stroked her back. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here, I’m so sorry. Murphy, I’m so sorry …” He pulled her to her feet, dislodging the invitations, and moved them both back to the bed. She curled into his arms and he wrapped himself around her, trying to protect her from whatever was in her head. Trying to stop her from pulling away from him, even though he somehow knew it was already too late.

***

She could do this. She could greet Peter with the hug she needed, she could have a rational conversation about the wedding, she could find it in herself to not nitpick every detail as this spiraled out of her control. She could push past the fact that the network was bound and determined to keep him on planes until one of them died. Two of their top reporters were getting married. Why the hell wasn’t this their PR win of the decade?

God. And his plane was late. Of course it was.

She knew Peter was upset, but she wasn’t sure what to do about it or how to soothe his hurt feelings and it didn’t help that he kept taking assignments out of the country. How the hell were they supposed to nail down a wedding date if he couldn’t let someone else cover the coup just for once? And what was worse, was that she knew there were contractual issues that kept him from saying no.

The hardest part of all of it was that she did understand human nature. He wasn’t fighting with Anna because Murphy was pushing him away. She knew he was upset about the baby, and that they needed to talk. But it was safer to hide behind her walls. So she let it ride. Eventually they’d just get over it, right?

Still, he was home tonight, ideally until the wedding, and she’d convinced herself it was time to talk. She didn’t like this distance between them any more than he did. They’d put Avery to bed and then they’d talk. She could do this.

He knocked - which was strange given that he did have a key - but it was also possible it was buried in his bag. So she took a breath, reminded herself how much she loved her fiance, and moved to answer it. But it wasn’t Peter on the other side of the door. No, there stood Jake, there in his leather jacket and jeans, his hands shoved into his pockets and a sheepish look on his face.

“Jake!” Her eyes went wide and she glanced behind her. Reena was still outside in the backyard with Avery. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I … I was in town and hoping we could talk.”

She rolled her eyes. “You know, it helps to call. Why are you so averse to the damn phone? Especially now. I’d like to have the chance to get Avery out of the house.” She stepped out onto the step and waved Jake to sit, ignoring the hurt look in his eyes. She didn’t care how he felt right now. Really, she wanted him gone before Peter came home. “What do you want?”

“Really, I was in town and I was worried that if I called first, you wouldn’t let me come by.” Jake sat on the step. Murphy stood above him, leaning against the brick of the entryway.

“Why wouldn’t I?” She challenged.

“I don’t know … because I haven’t exactly …”

She sighed, logic poking just barely through her righteous indignation toward her son’s biological father. “Jake, I didn’t expect anything from you. You’re the one who said you’d call, who said you’d care. You’ve shown me exactly what you meant by that. So, I don’t know what you want from me right now and I’d like to have had time to prepare Avery to meet you.”  
  
Silence.

“I know,” he sighed. “Look, Murphy …”

Anything he was going to say was interrupted by Peter’s car pulling into the drive. Murphy left Jake to sit on the step while Avery tore out of the front door - not even registering that there was a stranger sitting on the steps.

“Peter! Peter! Peter!” Avery was jumping and holding up his arms and Murphy had to admit that a large part of her felt exactly the same way. She watched her fiance get out of the car and scoop Avery into his arms before drawing her close.

“Welcome home,” she offered a kiss, completely ignoring Jake. Maybe he’d just get the message and leave. But she felt Peter tense and followed his gaze back to where her ex-husband was sitting on the steps.

“What the hell is he doing here?” Peter asked, his voice low and controlled.

Murphy shrugged, “He literally showed up five minutes ago. I have no idea.”

“Mommy, who dat?” Avery pointed. Jake looked up, his eyes sharp, and Murphy felt a flash of rage. How dare he be angry?

Avery wiggled down and ran back to the stairs. “Hii!” He waved.

Murphy couldn’t stop the slight melt in her heart as Jake awakened to the reality of his son standing before him. Jake, too, had a look on his face she’d never seen before. Peter was just a ball of tension and she could tell that even if Jake left right now, any conversation she’d been hoping for tonight with Peter was now out the window. God damnit.

“Hi, buddy,” her ex-husband choked slightly. “I’m Jake.”

“I’m Avery.”

Peter’s arm tightened just a bit around her.

“Hey, Avery,” Peter was the first to break the moment, “let’s go inside, okay?”

Avery trundled up the stairs, the adults following. Reena, bless her soul, had already brought drinks into the living room. Peter dropped his backpack by the door and met her gaze. Murphy squeezed his arm and walked over, hoping he could read everything in her eyes. It was now or never. Yep. This was exactly how she’d wanted this moment to play out. Completely. “Avery, honey?”

“Yes?”

She sat down on the couch and pulled him into her arms. Jake sat in the chair. Peter hung by the entertainment center, watching everything carefully. If there was one thing in this world Peter was truly protective of, she knew, it was their son. “Avery, you know how we talk sometimes about how I met Peter after you were born? How there’s someone else who was your dad before him?” She chose her words carefully, knowing how hard this moment was on Peter. She knew Peter had never wanted this to happen. He wanted Jake to stay absent.

God. This was not the conversation they needed to be having tonight.

Avery’s eyes widened and he nodded.

“Avery, this is your father. This is Jake Lowenstein.”

Avery’s eyes widened and he shook his head and wiggled down off her lap. He didn’t run to Jake but instead to Peter, holding up his arms. Suddenly it dawned on Murphy that he thought Peter would be leaving them and everything in her froze. Peter apparently also understood. He picked up his son and walked back over, soothing him gently. “Hey, buddy,” he murmured. “It’s okay. I promise. Your dad, he’s just here to say hi. I promise. It’s okay.”

“You’re my daddy,” Avery murmured, his hand fisted in Peter’s shirt. “You’re my daddy.”

Murphy didn’t miss the stricken look on Jake’s face or the way his eyes glazed over just slightly. She didn’t care. He’d been gone for four years and now he expected to waltz in and … well. Yes, he did. That was how he always managed things. He walked in and expected her to drop everything. But she wasn’t going to make Avery do anything he didn’t want to do. If he didn’t want to get to know Jake, he didn’t have to. Avery was right, Peter was his father.

Murphy let Peter take the lead. He sat down on the couch and lifted Avery’s head. “Hey, it’s okay. He just came by to meet you. You know your friend Lyla? How she has two mommies and two daddies? You just have two dads, okay? And I’m sorry you’re scared right now.”

Avery rubbed his eyes and looked askance at Jake, who looked back. Murphy glared at him. “Avery, you know how sometimes we look at those postcards and I tell you stories about the different places? Jake’s the one who sends them.”

Jake nodded. Avery nodded too. But he didn’t let go of Peter’s shirt.

Jake broke his silence. “Hey, kiddo. I didn’t mean to scare you. I just wanted to come say hi. I don’t get to come into town very often and I’m so sorry it took me so long. You’ve gotten so big …”

Avery just stared at him. Still holding onto Peter. To his father. Murphy held her breath to keep from snapping at Jake to remind him that the last time he’d actually seen Avery, she’d been four months pregnant, sitting on Frankie’s porch in San Diego, listening to their hippie friends yell at him.

Jake, somehow, surprised her. “You know, Peter and I know each other,” he said, trying to smile. “He’s come and told the stories about where I’ve been working.”

Avery was engaged now. He looked back at Peter, who was doing is level best to not kill Jake. Murphy appreciated his restraint. “Yeah, buddy. I worked with your dad a lot.” Murphy flinched as the word “dad” came out of Peter’s mouth. He could tell he did too.

“Where?” Avery demanded, cutting into her thoughts. She looked at him.

“Well, just a couple of months ago, he was in Cuba with me. We talked about the medical work down there.”

Avery rubbed his eyes. “Where’s Cuba?”

“It’s just by Florida,” Jake smiled. “Not far away at all.”

Suddenly Avery grinned. “Mommy and Daddy came back from Florida an dey are getting married!”

Jake paled and looked over at her. Murphy shrugged just a little bit and cursed the universe. Why in God’s name did her exes always show up when she was about to get married? What, was Jerry about to show up in a whale costume again?

“You’re getting married?” His voice was thin. “Since when?”

“Since Florida,” she snarked at him. “It’s none of your business, Jake.” All of them were well aware that Avery had not yet let go of Peter and she wanted him out of the room for this conversation. “Hey, Reena?” She called. Like an angel, she appeared from the library, most likely having heard every word, and ready to soothe Avery’s nerves. “Avery, sweetie, why don’t you go play with Reena for a while so that I can talk to Jake.”

Avery’s face contorted into the beginnings of a tantrum, but Reena, heaven sent as she was, swooped in with her warm smile. “Come on, kiddo. Let’s go finish taking apart the radio in the library and then you can show Peter and Jake all of the parts.” Gently, she pried Avery’s fingers from Peter’s shirt. “I promise we won’t go far.”

Avery wasn’t happy, but Reena soothed him as they walked out. Murphy took a seat on the couch next to Peter, who instantly took her hand.

“You’re getting married?” How dare Jake sound so angry?

“Yes,” she shot back. “And if you showed up for a booty call, I obviously have better things going on. I hope you realize it’s going to take all night to calm Avery down. I didn’t have time to prepare him for this.” She squeezed Peter’s hand.

“I didn’t think…”

“That’s the problem, Jake. You never think. You never do. Back then, you didn’t think through coming back to DC and what that would mean for your life, you didn’t think about what calling meant when you walked out the door, or what caring about me and the baby really meant. You just act. And that’s fine. But there’s a kid now. And I have a life. We have a life. Thinking matters.”

“You don’t need to lecture me, Murphy. You’re the one who didn’t tell me --”

“Tell you what?! I have no reason to tell you anything, Jake!” She forced her tone back under control. Avery didn’t need to hear this. “You didn’t warn us. Avery is a mess right now and I can tell that he’s scared to death that now that you’re here, his father is leaving.”

“I’m his father!”

“You’re the donor, Jake,” Peter shot back. “You’re the donor. You haven’t changed diapers or got up with him in the middle of the night and you aren’t going to be here tonight when he won’t go down because he’s scared. You don’t get to be high and mighty.”

In their two years together, Murphy had never loved Peter more than this moment. The look on his face convinced her they could make it through this crap about her losing the baby and his schedule and they’d be fine. They just needed to find the time to talk. But then she looked back at Jake and she felt her blood stop pumping. Jake had a look on his face, a look Murphy recognized. She’d seen that look before, four years ago, right before he’d hightailed it out of the house so fast you’d have thought he was on fire. “Your girlfriend is pregnant, isn’t she?” She stared at her ex husband, and every insecurity Peter had stamped down was suddenly back ten fold. “What’s her name, Trixie?” She felt so empty. Her womb ached with phantom cramps.

“Sarah,” he said quietly. “And yes. It’s one of the reasons I stopped by. I realized … it was time to try and create a relationship with Avery too.”

“Too?” Tears clouded her vision. So, not only was Murphy not pregnant but Jake’s groupie was. Of course she was. She’d seen photos in the last Life Magazine piece. Sarah was 30 if she was a day, and her adoration of Jake was evident in the way her doe eyed expression followed him in everything. “You aren’t just going to care about her then?” She could feel Peter’s eyes on her, could see the pain in the way he held her hand. She pulled away and paced over to the fireplace, desperate to flee but trapped by decorum. She got up and paced to the fireplace, turning her back on both of them.

“Murphy, come on …”

She just stared at him, the lack of a conversation she hadn’t been able to have with Peter still weighing on her. Jake was her age. He was having another child. And here he was, in Peter’s face, reminding him that he could be with someone younger. Someone able to get pregnant.

“Avery’s going to have a sibling and maybe …”

“Now you want the relationship? Now?” Her voice was low and controlled, because if she didn’t keep it low, Avery would hear every word. “Now you want to know a son you ran from so fast you barely packed on the way to the airport.”

“Murphy …”

“Now, you want him in your life, Jake?” Her fingers clenched so hard on the mantle that her knuckles were white. She needed him out of the house. Now. “How long are you in town?”

“Sarah and I are here for a week. We were hoping we could maybe ...”

“Oh, she’s here? Fantastic.” Murphy rolled her eyes before turning back to him. “And no. You don’t get to run off with Avery. Especially given how he reacted to you today. You, not her, you, can come back tomorrow. When I am here. He doesn’t need to know about her right now. He doesn’t … need ...” she couldn’t even say it. Jake was giving Avery the baby brother he wanted. Jake was giving Peter the reminder that younger girlfriends were so much better in the long run. Jake was the reminder of just how much she’d blown it.

“Murphy --”

“No.” She cut him off. “No. I’m not letting him near the idea that he could have a sibling. He doesn’t need that on him right now.” She didn’t need it. She couldn’t handle it.

They stared at each other, and this time, she was going to win. This time, she wasn’t going to let him have any kind of say in this conversation. Jake shrugged and stood up. “Okay, it’s your call.”

“Yes, it is.” Everything hurt. This wasn’t fair. What kind of universe did this? “Come over tomorrow around 6. Avery will have eaten and he goes to bed at eight and both Peter and I will be here so we can keep an eye on things.”

She appreciated Peter just nodding. She had no idea of his schedule, but she knew he’d be here. For Avery, he’d be here.

“Okay,” Jake nodded at her. “If that’s how you want it.”

“It’s how I want it. It’s how you wanted it, so don’t be a dick.” They stared at each other.

“Can I say goodbye to him?”

Murphy nodded. “Reena?”

“Give us just a second,” she called back. A moment later, Avery wandered out, still looking nervous. He held on to the wall and looked up at Jake, his eyes still wide and scared.

“Hey, kiddo,” Jake knelt down. “I’m gonna go but I’ll be back tomorrow and we can hang out, okay?”

Avery looked over at Peter, who was trying not to hover. “Is Daddy gonna be here?”

“Yeah, bud,” Peter said, walking over. Avery lifted up his arms and Murphy knew dinner tonight was going to be McDonalds and playland and she was fine with it. “I’ll be right here.”

“Okay,” Avery nodded, once he was safely in Peter’s arms.

“See you tomorrow.” Jake looked back at her and Murphy just nodded. Only once the door closed did any of the tension ease in the room, but all that did was prompt Avery’s tears. He wailed, completely unsure of how to manage what had just happened, and all three adults turned their focus to him. It took an hour before he’d exhausted himself to the point of sleep and even then, he wouldn’t let Peter put him down. He was hungry and tired and cranky and not even promises of french fries calmed him.

“I’m going to kill him,” Murphy muttered. “Just carve him up and feed him to the fish.”

Peter almost smiled.

“This wasn’t how I imagined tonight going,” she admitted, still pacing the living room.

“Me either.” Peter tried to settle Avery on the couch and this time, he snuggled into the cushions. “But I’ll help you kill Jake if you like.”

They stared at each other. Murphy sighed. “Peter …”

She had so much to say but absolutely no words for him. They’d vanished the moment she’d laid eyes on Jake and what few ideas were left had packed up and walked out when he told her he was going to be a father again.

He reached out and took her hand, tugging her closer. She stood between his knees, brushing his hair back from his face. He pressed his lips to her stomach, like he had back when she was pregnant, and it hurt more than she wanted to say. “I love you,” he whispered.

She felt her knees buckle, just slightly. She loved him too. But really, was it enough? Tomorrow, she had to face Jake again. Face the reminder of her failures. Face the reality that she was too old to give Peter a child of his own. At what point would he tire of her, of this? At what point would someone like Corky catch his eye? Was this worth the heartbreak when that happened?

***

It was the third time they’d moved the wedding. At first, Peter could blame the loss of the baby. Then, his schedule. Now, he knew full well that Jake showing up had opened wounds Peter had fully understood to be completely healed. Avery was on edge, clinging to him when he was at Murphy’s. Murphy was just distant. He’d seen it in her eyes that night, before the conversation with Jake had turned sour. She’d been ready to talk. Now the wall was built, the doors locked, and the blinds were down over the windows. She was done. And she was waiting for him to walk out the door.

The rush to have things take place before she started to show was gone, as really, was her desire. He could see it in her eyes, hear the flat tone in her voice. But when he asked if she still wanted to move forward quickly, she always jumped on him. Of course she did. Why wouldn’t she?

“We’ve already set things up to happen quickly,” she said, rolling her eyes. “If your schedule would just settle down, we could make this a reality.”

He heard the tone, the bite. She’d always adapted and compromised with his schedule before but now it was an issue. Now it was the schedules and not whatever fear had settled on her that was keeping them apart.

She stopped talking about everything except the wedding. After Jake’s second visit was done, Murphy had suddenly felt the need to clean. Peter had helped her move some stuff to the attic and she’d found a box of Avery’s baby clothes and watched as she just silently moved it to the “get rid of” stack. When he’d tentatively suggested, yet again, they push the wedding back a few months, she’d just rolled her eyes.

“Your father bought his plane tickets,” had been her response. “Anyway, don’t you have a story to go do? Where are they sending you again?”

She didn’t care where they were sending him. He knew that. So he mumbled something about the middle east and took the stack of things to his car. When he returned, he found her sitting on the steps to the attic, a pair of miniature patent leather Mary Jane’s in her hands. She turned them over and over in her hands before dropping them unceremoniously into another “get rid of” box.

“Murphy …” He kept trying to start conversations, but he wasn’t sure how to finish them.

“What?” Her shoulders set again and she taunted his indecision with a look he’d seen her give interview subjects and Frank. “You’d better get moving if you’re going to drop that stuff off before Goodwill closes,” she said, standing up. The wall growing higher and higher between them.

The pain rolled off her in waves, but whenever Peter showed up at the office, all he heard was her coworkers ribbing her about the wedding date and her inability to commit. At what point did he get to disinvite Frank?

At any other time, he’d have understood the teasing, but all he could see was the way she took it with a downturned glance and a half-hearted chuckle. At home, she snuggled with Avery, but if he mentioned his desire to adopt Avery again, she’d change the subject. If he dared to bring up the miscarriage, desperate to talk about it for his own sanity, she left the room.

“We have too much to focus on,” she’d said over dinner one night. It was easier to go along than fight. Even Avery noticed things were strained, and he started acting out. It was a fight to get him to bed every night and even then, he was out of his room more than usual.

Nothing made sense right now. For the first time since he’d kissed Murphy two years ago, Peter looked forward to out of town trips. It gave him the chance to breathe.

***

  
After Frank left, Murphy sat on the couch, nursing the stomach ache she’d given herself. At least this was real, brought on by bad choices rather than biology reminding her that pregnancy at her age was nearly impossible.

Why did it matter, anyway? She had Avery and Peter loved him. She loved Peter. God, with a passion she never believed she possessed, she loved him. Which was why it made sense for her to call it all off. End it before her heart was broken. Sooner rather than later, he’d get tired of her. History told her that was the case. It was one thing to chase a four year old around an office, another to raise a mouthy teenager. It was one thing to chase her around the bedroom and another to deal with menopause.

She loved him. She loved him and the way he smiled at her and how when he was listening to her, the world just fell away. She loved how he treated her in bed, how safe she felt in his arms. With Peter, she understood wanting to share her life with someone. It was terrifying, but she wanted it. He made her happy and even her dumbass best friend could see that, and Frank still had a lot to atone for.

But she couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t what Peter wanted. He’d proposed to her in the middle of a hurricane, in the middle of a pregnancy scare. And when she wasn’t pregnant anymore, he wanted to push the wedding back.

He wanted to push the wedding back and he kept taking overseas assignments and it felt like the final straw came when he suggested they have their honeymoon in Sarajevo. So what if she was proud of him (so proud) for landing one of the most impossible interviews of the century. She wanted time alone with him and it was starting to feel like he didn’t want the same.

Her coworkers were taking bets on if it would actually happen. The wedding gifts were piling up and she was starting to feel guilty. Just a bit. Peter’s mother called once a day, asking for details. Avery had already grown out of one tux fitting. If Peter could just come home, she’d be willing to run off with him.

At least, if he really wanted to.

Did he want to?

If Jake hadn’t come by, maybe she’d feel better. Maybe she’d know better. Maybe. But Jake had come by and thrown everything off and now, every time Peter left, Avery threw a tantrum. Now, she just wasn’t sure what Peter expected. Logic told her she could ask him. They could always talk about everything before. But suddenly, every conversation mattered so much. Every single one. Even if she’d ordered the cake or he’d finished the seating arrangement.

Maybe he didn’t want to actually do this. Maybe he was just going along with her. Maybe …

He sat there, holding her, looking into her eyes.

“You get my jacket, and I’ll get Avery.”

He wanted to marry her.

She wanted to marry him.

But she just wasn’t sure what it meant to let it happen. So she didn’t jump up to get his jacket. He didn’t jump up to collect Avery. Because somewhere between Florida and here, on her couch, a hurricane had ripped open all of their insecurities and laid them bare and now it was just them, sitting on her couch, not knowing what it meant to want to get married. Cold feet weren’t supposed to lose all feeling, were they?

She knew exactly what she wanted. Who she wanted. But right now, it all just felt too overwhelming. Too complicated to understand. So she kissed him and clung to him and prayed he could read her mind and one last time, he’d come back through the door. He’d come back through the door and this time, she’d be ready to talk. She’d take her damn hand off her abdomen and hold his instead and this time, they’d talk. For real. They wouldn’t bring up the wedding plans. They’d talk about what they wanted from each other. All he had to do was come back through the door.

He didn’t.

***

Logically, he knew that Murphy was kicking herself, and that she was sure he was going to leave her because she’d lost the baby. He knew she was looking at this as a personal failure. He just hoped he could get through to her before everything fell apart. Because he wasn’t sure how much more either of them could take. Logic and emotion often didn’t work well together.

Just like logic didn’t really matter when it came to his own push back. She was hesitant on her side of the planning, he dropped the ball on his. Until they were sitting on the couch, breaking up without saying the words.

Had it really been the miscarriage that brought them here? Had it been the pressure a marriage put into their "no pressure" relationship? Had it been his schedule? Had it been Jake and his girlfriend and the half-sibling Avery was about to have?

“I really meant it when I proposed,” he said, staring at her. He still wanted to marry her.

“I meant it when I said yes.”

So he walked out the door. Because that …

Made sense.

Peter stood for a long time outside the door, waiting for her to open it, waiting for her to look. She always looked. If he had once threatened to leave, she’d been the anchor, the reason to stay. He knew he had to get to the office, to meet this damn deadline, but he could hear music inside. He could hear Avery giggling. Avery. He clenched and unclenched his hand, every instinct telling him to go back in, to join her dance, to get down on one knee and promise they’d work this out because they loved each other.

He wasn’t twenty-two anymore and proposing marriage on a whim. He was forty one and he’d found the woman he wanted to spend the next forty-one years with. He’d found a son. He’d allowed himself the life he used to scoff at, learning that there was nothing binding in a love built on trust and equality. He was free to fly, to take his assignments. He had a home base and a partner who smiled when he walked in the door. His road buddies bitched about the ball and chain back home and Peter had only ever thought of Murphy as his rock. He was better because of her. So why wasn’t he going back inside?

Because, he knew, for the first time in the almost two years they’d been together, the pressure had won. They’d placed expectations built by other people, multiplied by themselves, onto the way they lived their lives and suddenly, they’d gone from waiting for things to blow up to standing on the other side of the rubble. And all without uttering a single angry word.

“Nothing needs to change. We could get married tonight,” they’d said over and over to each other, while not picking up and racing to the nearest judge. Because they couldn’t get married tonight. Because they knew everything about each other except for what it meant to be married to each other. It was a conversation they’d never had. Oh, they talked about wedding plans and where his favorite chair would go, but they’d never talked about transferring their expectations from one relationship to another. Nothing had been wrong, but somehow, they’d convinced themselves they just couldn’t be right.

He loved her. God, he loved her.

He’d been in love before. Wanted to get married, even, without understanding what that actually meant. But he’d never wanted a family before. And somehow, he just … he’d found all of the crap that romance stories sold. He had a partner and a son and when she smiled, he still got butterflies in his stomach. When she cried, he hurt. He stood. Holding his breath. He needed to knock. Needed to let her know that he meant it. Nothing had to change. Nothing was wrong.

But everything had changed. Somewhere along the line, the wedding took over being partners. The created love story took over the ones they reported. Somewhere along the line, he’d started to lose himself and she’d started to lose herself and now he stood in a void, his heart breaking, because she was just on the other side of the door. He needed to knock. She needed to come looking for him. But he heard her voice soothing Avery, and so he turned and walked away.

He had a story to prep.

He’d call tomorrow.

Just like every other man in her life.


End file.
